In parenting, there are a lot of things that will get you a million different answers depending on who you ask: breastfeeding, co-sleeping, vaccinating, starting solids, sleep training… And a lot of times, the answers are generational. Your grandmother will give you a different answer than your mother who will have a different opinion than your co-worker or neighbor.
One such topic is scheduling, and every mommy you ask will likely have a strong opinion of what is best usually leaning strongly towards a strict schedule or towards an easy-going, whatever happens attitude.
Most mommies of the older generations will lean towards strict scheduling based on their experience with bottle feeding formula and the beginning of the sleep training methods. And while many modern mommies, especially those who work outside the home, find having a strict schedule easier, some prefer a more relaxed schedule.
I personally sit more in the “whatever happens” camp. Because my life is flexible, I’m okay with my baby’s schedules being loose as well. But that doesn’t mean it’s always easy and the outside opinions from the “other” side often seep into my life.
All of my children have nursed every 1 1/2 to 2 hours during the day until around a year old when they naturally transition to a before and after sleeping schedule. When Honeybun was a newborn, my mommy was amazed at how often she wanted to eat and despite breastfeeding both my sister and I as newborns, insists we only ate every 3 hours during the day (and that we both did 20 minutes each boob, every feeding, no matter what.) She’s now gotten used to how often my babies eat and I’ve gotten used to working around them eating so often but it certainly was hard at the beginning, not knowing which way to go.
I read about breastfeeding and, being a first-timer, I went with what the books said. I would wake Honeybun every 2 hours during the day and every 3-4 hours at night for the first few months. And I did it again with both Sugarplum and Doodle, afraid my milk wouldn’t “establish” if I let them sleep too long (ha!) But with Pipsqueak I learned and knowing that milk supply wasn’t a problem, I’ve let him sleep whenever he wants, as long as he wants.
But the biggest struggle with Honeybun was me believing she should go at least an hour and a half between feeds. I would force her to wait for the “magic” hour and a half, especially once I returned back to wok. But it resulted in a lot of unnecessary fussing, hysteria and stress for both of us.
So when Sugarplum came along and I wasn’t working, I just did on-demand feeding. I fed her when she seemed hungry and let her sleep when and where she wanted (which I usually did with Honeybun, too, unless I needed her to feed before I went to work). I’ve done the same on-demand feeding and sleeping with the boys, and we’re all better off for it. The family is definitely more relaxed when everyone is fed and well rested!
But there does come a point when the free-flying life-style doesn’t work anymore and a bit of a schedule needs to be put into place. With Honeybun, we started a solid bedtime routine and time around 8 months when she started having trouble settling to sleep at night. By a year she was on a pretty regular twice-a-day nap schedule and bedtime.
By about 6 months old, Sugarplum was naturally fitting into the schedule Honeybun was on, going to nap and bed at the same time, though Sugarplum also got a morning nap (often while were out running around!)
Doodle did the same and was napping mid-morning and again at the same time as the girls in the afternoon by around 6 months though keeping him awake to get to afternoon nap was often a struggle when we had to do kindergarten pick-up and he would stay up a bit later in the evening.
Pipsqueak hasn’t found a daytime schedule yet, he still sleeps when he’s tired and eats when he’s up but it works for us because our days are so scattered and no two days are alike with the girls’ activities so I need him to have that flexibility. Honestly, I don’t look forward to him ever needing a solid morning nap at home because it will limit what we can do in life! But he has started to develop a nighttime schedule, usually falling asleep and going to bed around 10 and waking around 7. Some nights he will sleep through (though not as often as he was a few weeks ago!) and if he does wake, it is during the 1 o’clock and/or 4 o’clock hours, always!
For us, a loose schedule has always worked better. I never felt the need to get my kids on a strict napping and feeding schedule because I knew if I did, then I would feel like a slave to the schedule. Even now, the only really strict part of our day is bedtime for the older three which is at 8 o’clock but they wake whenever they are ready (the beauty of homeschooling!) and nap begins anytime between 1 and 4. We tend to have lunch around 11:00 and dinner when daddy gets home around 7:00 but they are easily able to eat lunch later or dinner earlier as each day necessitates (and snacks obviously help any variations.)
But I can definitely see how a stricter schedule is beneficial to working parents and children who attend childcare centers will certainly be put on a schedule (I know my kiddos at work always were!) and maintaining the schedule on holidays, vacations and weekends is easier for everyone. But I also know some parents become resentful of their little ones’ need for their daily nap, at home at a designated time in order to survive.
So really, to schedule or not to schedule comes down to a personal preference and lifestyle. The choice made by each family will depend on how their days go and what is most important. For us, the flexibility is key. It allowed us to easily travel all over when our girls were small and not have to waste time napping back at the hotel. It’s allowed us to have an active social and extra-curricular calendar even as my girls grow and we welcome new babies. And I think it helps when emergencies arise or things get off schedule because my kids have the flexibility to go with the flow.
But as I always say, to each mommy her own, there is no one right way. It can take a little time, but every mommy eventually finds her style and what works for the family and each baby.
I struggle with my son’s nanny over his schedule. When I’m home on the weekends, I loosen the feeding and sleeping schedule because, like you said, we have things to do! The nanny gets really irritated with me when I don’t keep the baby on a strict feeding/sleeping schedule – even though he tends to fall back into her rigid structure without much problem on Mondays.
This is a perfect example of each family doing what works for them! I know finding a god nanny is a huge struggle but if it was me, I wouldn’t be concerned because 1) he easily goes back to her schedule and 2) you’re his mommy and her employer. Plus, if he’s happy on her strict schedule and your loose one, what does it matter?