I got into hot topic conversation on Facebook this week. It started as me truthfully answering a friends curiosity question. And while I would usually leave it at that, or offer clarity/details if neccessary, I got sucked in to the conversation because it was something I am so passionate about.
The question, from a friend expecting her third child, planning her third homebirth was something along these lines:
When I tell people I might have my kids at my homebirth, they react one of three ways: 1) whatever. 2) it’s too traumatic and scary. 3) it’s too distracting for mom. 4) it’s inappropriate. Just curious, what do you think?
Both of my girls were present at Doodle’s birth. While they slept through the majority of my labor (which really picked up around 9 pm), when they woke up in the morning, they ran in to find me laboring in the tub and pulled up their chairs right beside me. They asked me questions, joked around and were really excited for the birth of their new sibling. They left at one point to have breakfast then returned, until I started pushing and it got too intense for them so my mommy took them into another room and they watched some TV until Doodle was crowning and I called for them to come back in.
I realize having siblings present at a birth is not right for everyone and it is a choice every family has to make for themselves but my girls are so excited to be at the birth of the next baby and are already talking about it. I might make alternative arrangements for Doodle, though, since he will be just over 2 and is a full-on mommy’s boy but I do want him there as soon after baby is born as possible. Even when Sugarplum was born in the hospital at 11:37 at night, I had my cousin who was watching Honeybun bring her over that night to meet her baby sister.
We have never had a problem with sibling rivalry in our house. My children have never asked for me to “take the baby back” nor have they ever tried to hurt the baby or done hateful things (and I’ve heard stories!)
When I decided to do a homebirth with Doodle, I wanted my girls there not only for the bonding but because it was also really important to me that they witness a normal, natural birth. With the way birth is portrayed on TV and the rate medical interventions and surgeries are growing, I wanted their first real exposure to childbirth to be an empowering and positive one so that they (hopefully) have the confidence to birth their own children however they want in the future.
People worry about the experience being too scary or traumatic but I see birth as a beautiful wonderful thing, not the horrific, greusome act we see in mainstream media. How we frame life experiences for our children, how we talk about them and what we say will make a huge difference in how they feel and experience them. I’ve always been very honest and open with my children about life including death and we talk extensively about babies, pregnancy and birth (more on how I approach that with young ones here).
A lot of our “prep” work for Doodle was about how he was growing and what life would be like with a new baby but I was also very honest with the girls about what to expect during my labor and birth: “Mommy might be uncomfortable and I might scream when the baby is coming but that’s only because I’ll be doing such hard, hard work to get the baby out. Daddy will have to help me, too, but Grandma and Grandpa will be here to take care of you and get you anything you need and if you feel like you don’t want to stay, that’s okay, it’s your choice.”
We of course read the “I’m going to be a big sister!” books but I also shared with them a video of how the baby was going to come out so they knew what to expect. I love this video because it’s not your traditional birth video of mom pushing, and baby emerging from her nether regions seemingly out of nowhere. The video shows the baby’s journey out of the womb, into the world which I think really helped them understand what was going on inside where they couldn’t see (it’s always the unknown that is the scariest, I can’t embed the video but you can see it here).
The Facebook conversation went back in forth, those that were in favor, those that were against, some on the fence citing parental choice.
But then one person presented a question:
What’s the point?
And the conversation changed instantly for me. Here we were, rambling on about birth and labor and this and that. But the point really is soooooo much bigger than those moments!
Having my children at the births of their siblings is about building our family. Some of the first sounds my son heard were his sister’s voices. Honeybun helped hubby cut the umbilical cord. My daughters held Doodle on our couch while my midwife looked me over. And after it was all done, all 5 of us snuggled down in bed together at the beginning of a our new family journey. My daughters adore their brother and they feel connected to him and responsible for him. I didn’t go away for a few days and come back with a baby, I got in my bathtub and they watched him enter our world, breathe his first breaths and see the world for the first time. He truly joined OUR family at that moment, with everyone literally surrounding him with love.
THAT is the point.
You can view more pictures of Doodle’s homebirth here and here.
I think every mom has to do what is best for them. While home birth was never even a consideration for me, it works for other moms.
How we birth our children is definitely a personal choice that has to be made by each individual family. My first two were uncomplicated hospital births so with the third I decided to just stay home.
It is life, I think it is great for kids to be present. I had 5 c-sections so my children never had this experience.
Circumstances around our births definitely can make the decision easier!
I think most importantly it’s what is most comfortable for mom since labor is already hard enough. Then 2nd, would it be OK for that specific child to witness? I know some that have their kids there and it was a beautiful experience for them all. For me personally, my boys are so rambunctious it would be too distracting for me and cause for tension for me. So I’ve never had them present. My daughter has learning disabilities and I think it would be traumatic for her since she wouldn’t understand what was happening even if we explained it to her. But I honestly feel that is a decision that should be up to each parent, and no one should condemn those that choose one way or the other.
I completely agree with all of that, Amber! It definitely has to be right for each child, mother and family and it shouldn’t be judged if a parents feels it would be beneficial to their child and family.
I don’t think I would, but then, I’ve had to be put under for my births so if anything it’s MYSELF that I’d like to be present. Things don’t always go as planned. lol
So true, Tammi! Birth is definitely unpredictable that is why it’s so important to have a back-up plan in place no matter what choices you make.
To be honest, I have let my daughter watch some early stages on some television shows just so she has an idea of what it is. Only early stages though….but I think it depends on the child, etc.
Debra, I think it also depends on the birth. The way birth is portrayed in fiction is completely outlandish and over-exaggerated but reality type shows are obviously more true to life (cause they ARE real life!) I used to watch shows like “A Birth Story” all the time when my first was a toddler, maybe I need to start again, just to get them used to the idea of different ways it can go!
I don’t have kids, but I think what’s right for one person, isn’t right for another. I’m not sure if I could handle the entire world seeing me pushing and straining and all of that, but I totally get where you’re coming from. It seems like it would be completely wonderful bonding experience for the whole family as long as mom is comfortable enough in her own skin to be bare for the world. More power to you, momma!
Thanks, Jennifer! My first was just me, my husband, a nurse and my midwife and I definitely didn’t think I could handle an audience. But after my second, I knew what my body was capable of so I felt confident having other people around to be a part of it all.
Of course everyone is going to have their own opinions about this matter, but it’s important that those who may not agree with having their children present at least respect those who do, and vice versa. I have not and do not plan to have a home birth, but I respect those who do. Hey, more power to ya! It’s just not for me. As far as having siblings present, I probably wouldn’t have my other children there, but again, I respect those who feel differently about it. Just not sure I’d want my son watching a baby coming out of me and the mess that comes with it. Everyone is different and has different opinions.
Couldn’t have said it better, Danielle!
That sounds like such an awesome experience! I love the pictures. Your girls look like they’re in awe!
Thanks, Sarah. It really was an awesome experience for all of us and they are still in awe of their baby brother!
What an amazing and special bonding experience with you family. I love reading about stories like this!
Thanks, Amanda!
This is a beautiful story. I agree with many of the comments above that what is right is so different for every family. For us, birth is a me and my husband only time and it is a really special bonding time for us. But our kids meet their new sibling as soon as possible after.
Aimee, for me, that is the most important part, the “as soon as possible.” While I loved seeing my girls for the first time just my husband and me, I am very family focused and very in tune to what is best for the whole family.
I think it really depends on the children and if they are mature enough to be part of such a major event like this. However, I think it’s a really great experience for your whole family!
I don’t necessarily look at it as a “maturity” thing, it’s all about how you frame it. If you frame the experience for the age and maturity of the child then the child will be fine. We, as adults, think of birth as a scary, intense, traumatic, gruesome thing but it definitely doesn’t have to be and if we present the beauty and joy of the event instead, that is what they will see.
My births were almost always high-risk so this was not a choice for me. If I were in a different situation maybe I would consider it.
Amy, I think there are always ways to incorporate the kids, even if they can’t be there the very first second from having them come in shortly after or greeting the baby on the way to the nursery.
I think this would actually be a great experience. I never let my daughter see her sister being born though. She probably would have never been able to stay awake. I personally wouldn’t feel comfortable having my daughter there while I gave birth, but it is a wonderful thing.
Kathy, timing is definitely everything! Both my daughters were born late at night so I thought my son would be as well and we planned to wake the girls up right at the end to see the birth but turns out he was a morning baby so they got to be there for the end of labor, too!
I love this post! I am considered too high risk for a home birth, but think they are beautiful! I love my doulas, and that my oldest came to the hospital as soon as she could to meet her baby sister. My first birth was long and hard, but my second was a breeze, and hope, if I have more children, they will be as well. I don’t think hospitals allow kids, or at least I prefer my hubby with me and not the kids, but I love not being medicated so that I am present during such a magical time.
Chelley, I think it depends on the hospital, staff and age of the child. But I think just having big brothers/sisters there as soon as possible is extremely beneficial, too!
My oldest daughter was at my 2 year old’s birth. She was around 11 when my baby was born. Now I’m expecting again and my 8 year old wants to be there. I’m totally OK with it.
I think it’s easier for older kids to understand. Good luck with your birth!
I think you gave your daughters a gift in letting them attend your birth. I think it’s great that you invited them but gave them the option of whether to stay or not. It’s not often that one gets to attend a birth, and it is pretty memorable and definitely a bond between those in attendance. Can you imagine a conversation years down the line when the sisters recall their brother’s birth and witnessing you going through it? That’s a pretty special bond. They can also recall this experience when they decide how they want to give birth. What a gift.
Yep! That is exactly why we did it. We wanted them to feel like a part of our family growing, not like it was something that was happening to them and I really do hope it empowers their personal birth choices in the future!