Reasons NOT to Find out the Gender of Your Baby

One of the first decisions to be made on the parenting journey is whether or not to find out the gender of the baby growing inside mommy’s belly. Though there is no shortage of opinions and reasons for one way or the other, it’s a personal choice every couple has to make on their own. But what if the parents don’t agree on which way to go?

When we were expecting our first baby, I was adamant that we would not find out our baby’s gender. Waiting for the surprise was very important to me, but my husband who is less patient really wanted to know. We discussed the pros and cons of both and finally settled with a compromise: wait to find out for the first and hubby could decide for the second.

He ended up liking the joy of the surprise so much that he decided we shouldn’t find out with the second baby either. And we didn’t even discuss it with the third or fourth, it was just assumed neither of us wanted to know.

It’s not for everyone but if you’re on the fence, here’s a few reasons NOT to find out the gender of your baby:

The “surprise” factor

Really, the surprise is the reason not to find out the gender of your baby. Who doesn’t love being surprised with the most joyous news ever? A lot of pro-finder-outers will say it’s still a surprise whether you find out in the delivery room or on the ultrasound table but I don’t see those surprises being equal at all.

Here’s what other parents have to say:

M.B. I was in the minority, but I felt like, for me, (let me emphasize *for me*, other moms disagree and that’s ok — no judgement from me), it was like opening my Xmas gifts before Xmas.

L.S. I wanted the cool surprise, that moment of “it’s a…”

J.F. I just really enjoyed the surprise. I’ve found out twice and been surprised twice.

S.P. My husband said “there are very few good surprises in life, let’s have this surprise”

E.P. We found out with our first, waited for our second. Really, whatever they want really is ok but I do think the surprise of waiting was so fun. As someone said above, in today’s world there’s so little surprise and this is as old as time, the excitement of a new baby.

J.H. Our little one was not supposed to happen; we are both very, very infertile. We waited because the chances of ever getting pregnant again were nil, so we wanted the excitement of waiting with the one shot we had.

E.L. A coworker told me “it’s the last great surprise in life” and I just really loved the idea of relishing that, even though surprises are not usually my cup of tea. So for my first it was surprise.

M.L. It’s like a box of chocolates, you shouldn’t know what you’re gonna get. ;)

T.P. Especially because the last 2 were planned c-sections, the only element of surprise I had left was their gender.

N.S. I didn’t find out for my son or my daughter and we loved the surprise both times. I did have to convince my husband with our first pregnancy- he wanted to know the sex and I did not. I told him there are very few truly good surprises in life. In contemporary culture and our fast paced digital age, you can find out the answer to most things in an instant. People share the most personal experiences of their lives with the world- as it’s happening- on social media. The idea of waiting 9 months for a great surprise was exciting for us and 

M.S. When we were expecting our first child my husband’s cousin also pointed out to us that there are so so few good surprises in adulthood, so waiting to find out the sex would be a guaranteed good surprise, either way. We didn’t find out on our first two, girl and boy. Both lovely ‘surprises’.

C.W. It felt really special to share the news with everyone after our son was born. Not only has the baby arrived and it’s healthy, it’s also a boy! I’ll never forget the joy in my mom’s voice when I called her and my dad from the delivery room to tell them that they had a new grandson.

F.B. I’ve done both. Found out for my first, not for my second but found out again for my third pregnancy. It’s a fantastic surprise at the end and just adds another level of excitement. Part of me feels a bit disappointed that we found out this pregnancy but I couldn’t help myself.

T.S. It was so fun to be truly surprised. I’m getting teary thinking of those moments now.

D.D. One of the best surprises in life. <there are plenty of bad surprises>

The Magical First Moments

For me, one of the main reasons to wait to find out was because I loved dreaming about my children and I wanted to learn everything about them all at once. I wanted to see their faces before I knew their names and learn all about them once we met rather than deciding before they were in my arms. I didn’t want to decide what they were going to be, I wanted them to teach me all about them themselves.

Here’s what other parents have to say:

S.W. I will never forget hearing my husband choke out “it’s a boy!!” in the delivery room!

A.L. I waited for all 3 of mine. No regrets. I think not knowing and waiting until birth to give them names just made the birth all that much more special. They each went from being unborn generic baby to being a little person with a name and identity.

C.F. There are just so few happy surprises these days. We didn’t find out early and it was lovely to learn right at the moment of birth.

C.W. We’re expecting our 3rd in less than 8 wks, we didn’t find out with any of our babies. I’d much rather my husband tell me in the moment than a stranger who does it all the time in an ultrasound room.

K.H. Sweet look on big sibling’s faces when they announce the gender (after searching all over the face, lol) to figure it out. :)

T.P. I also think that when you know what they are, you plan for them- a name, a color, an idea of them… instead of letting them come into the world and introducing themselves.

N.S. when each of our children were born, just my husband and I met our son and then our daughter and for those first several moments, no one knew whether we welcomed a boy or girl into our family except us. It was nice for us to have that moment to ourselves after 9 months of not knowing. 😊

M.H. I think there aren’t enough surprises left in life and I wanted to meet my child when it was born, not before. 

Avoiding Gender Stereotypes and Expectations

As soon as you know your baby’s gender, it’s easy to put ideas around who they will become. “It’s a girl, she’ll be a beautiful ballerina!” or “A boy, he’ll love fishing with his dad!” And while these things can certainly persist whether you find out before baby’s arrival or not, waiting to find out until you can get to know your little person makes it easier to let them take the lead.

Here’s what other parents have to say:

M.C. We don’t follow society’s gender guidelines. When you know, you get a bunch of pink stuff with butterflies on it or blue stuff with trucks on it. I’d rather receive and purchase some of each, along with all the other colors that do indeed exist.

S.G. We did not find out. The idea of being bombarded with pink or blue clothing…ballet or football novelty tees,etc made us crazy. Let the kid decide for themselves with as little external input as possible.

J.H. From a practical POV, it reduced the amount of gender specific gifts before baby was born, which was nice.

B.B. How much does gender really matter any way? I get that some people like to know… but the only reason to find out is to start defining your child by gender based expectations sooner.

R.C. This will make me sound like a strident feminist (maybe I am, but don’t know it?), but I really liked how I didn’t have to deal with as many gendered comments about my babies, since I didn’t know. It drives me up the wall that people still say crap like “I’m sure she’ll be so pretty” or “He’s kicking you a lot – I bet there’s a little soccer player in there.” That wasn’t the main reason we opted not to find out, but a nice added benefit. 

Preventing Disappointment

Anyone who says they don’t care whether they get a boy or a girl is probably lying just a little bit. Sure, we all know you get what you get (and don’t get upset) but I think every parent has a preference for one way or the other. For my fourth, I really wanted another girl (I was convinced two boys would be the end of me and they’re doing their best to be sure of it!). By waiting until his birth to know, it was easier to love him as he was rather than crying on the ultrasound table and dealing with the disappointment the rest of my pregnancy.

Here’s what other parents have to say:

H.B. I found out with my first two but waited to find out with the 3rd. If I can be completely honest, I didn’t find it because I didn’t want to be disappointed if it was another girl. If it was, the excitement of the birth would overpower those feelings.

It’s more exciting

The reason waiting for the surprise is the best for some people is because it’s more exciting. Instead of a few months of wondering until your ultrasound (or even earlier if you do other testing), you get the entire pregnancy to get excited about meeting your little baby and finding out what’s been hiding inside.

Here’s what other parents have to say:

H.B. It also builds an excitement that unparalleled.

H.M. We did a baby pool with guesses on due date and gender. Raised I think $400 which we donated to a dog rescue we worked with. It was loads of fun.

K.C. I waited with my last. I wish I would have waited with the first four. It was an amazing experience to have all the anticipation. It was fun!

H.D. I waited on baby #1 and got talked into finding out with baby #2. I really regretted it. The excitement was so palpable with baby No #1.

S.N. It’s nice to announce, “it’s a boy, or its a girl!!!!!!” after the birth.

M.H. I guess I like the anticipation. I am also one who likes having a present maybe more than the gift. A present is just love from another person. Whatever is inside may be not what you expected. I like the anticipation of the unknown. 

S.N. Its fun to guess on all of the gender prediction tests. So many reasons.

You Don’t Have to Share the Name(s)

This is one of my favorite aspects of waiting. Because we didn’t know our baby’s genders we couldn’t honestly say “we haven’t decided yet” when people asked us about names. We didn’t have to worry about other peoples opinions persuading our opinions or steering us away from a choice we really loved.

Here’s what other parents have to say:

S.G. Also, we did not share the potential names either. It was wonderful finding out when she arrived and announcing her name with no comments from the peanut gallery. Once the child is born people are less likely to say they do not like the name you chose!

N.G. Apart from the private surprise, I found that friends and family were more interested in our result. Instead of “oh, she had the baby”, there was more curiosity about what we’d had, and the name chosen.

The Stuff is Expensive

Babies can be pricey. Even if you go with the minimum of what they need, it can add up quickly so sticking to gender neutral things when you know you’ll be having multiple children is the way to go. And by not knowing the baby’s gender, you won’t be tempted to buy all the pink or blue things.

Here’s what other parents have to say:

S.W. We definitely couldn’t afford to re-buy staple items if what we got wasn’t gender neutral. And I knew my family would go crazy with pink and blue 🙄. So we kept the gender a surprise!

M.H. We thought we would have many children, and wanted to reuse baby stuff for all, so wanted everything neutral.

K.H. people won’t buy you crap that is gender specific.

R.C. I was able to use all the newborn clothes for all 3 kids since they were gender neutral.

Mistakes Happen

When I was expecting my first, we did the usual hospital tour. Across the crowd, I noticed a woman I worked with. We got chatting and realized we were due right around the same time. When I saw in a mommy and me class after the babies were born, I was a bit taken aback: she had a boy and I swear she had told me she was expecting a girl. I was right, the ultrasound tech had been wrong. Luckily they found out before the baby was born during a 3D ultrasound at the end of her pregnancy but it was still a huge shock.

Here’s what other parents have to say:

M.H. Early in my pregnancy, close friends of ours had found out by ultrasound they were having a girl, then a boy was born! So I wasn’t confident in ultrasounds. 

K.H. A friend of mine found out it was a girl (she was super excited becuase she’s been waiting for a girl – 4th child). Had the agreement to have her tubes tied after the birth. It ended up a c-section and she had them tied while they were delivering the baby. turns out it was another boy. Major depression for years afterwards.

J.S. The fact that sooooommmeeeetimes they get the gender wrong. Lol. It happens!!

M.S. I found out early on my fourth as I really wanted to plan ahead (with three smallies already underfoot). They said boy, I painted, purged, etc. Out came a girl and that was the biggest surprise of all!

Gender Really Doesn’t Matter

In the long term of it all, whether you have a boy or a girl really doesn’t matter that much. You’re going to love and cherish that baby no matter what parts it has.

Here’s what other parents have to say:

M.H. We were thrilled to be having our baby, and the gender was just a small part of knowing the baby. I wanted to be surprised about it all (gender, what he looked like, size, personality, etc).

M.L. Dream of what kind of parent you are going to be, not what kind of kid your kid will be.

It’s Good Practice

If you’re a planner and control freak, then parenting might not be for you. At some point, you’re going to realize all the planning and hoping in the world doesn’t mean anything when you’re dealing with another free-willed human being. Pregnancy is the perfect time to practice taking the “wait and see” approach.

Here’s what other parents have to say:

M.L. Patience… practice building it now because you’ll need a ton once the cute bundle of joy becomes an annoying kid (and AAAALLL kids are annoying at SOME point to EVERY parent, even the sweet ones!!!). 

M.L. Get used to not knowing. It’s a key part of parenting.

It’s Something to Look Forward to

Pregnancy is an amazing experience, sometimes. And sometimes it’s miserable and horrible. Giving birth will change your life but not matter how you go about it, it’s going to test everything you have. Sometimes knowing that little surprise is waiting at the end of the tunnel (literally) can give a mommy the strength and will power to keep pushing through (the puns just keep coming!) until she can meet her little one.

Here’s what other parents have to say:

T.C. I waited on my twins and singleton. I knew there would be some suffering on the day of birth and wanted a giant lovely surprise to look forward to. It was AWESOME. I loved it.

S.N. It helped to get through the end of the pregnancy and labour to remind myself that we still don’t know whether we’ll have a son or daughter.

T.S. There used to be a scientific study floating around that showed that women who didn’t find out pushed for shorter times. More efficiently. You can find a study for anything I know but it’s out there.  <FYI: I searched all of the internet for this study and could only find random references to it.>

Ultimately, it’s up to each set of parents to decide which way is best for them and exactly when and how they want to find out the gender of their babies. There is certainly no right or wrong way, only the best way for each. But I can speak from experience that there is no greater joy I’ve ever known in life than holding each of my children and meeting them for the first time.

Did you find out or wait? If you could go back, would you do it differently? For you, what was the best part of waiting (or finding out)?

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