When you’re pregnant with your first and then have only the one child, it is easy to feel like you are giving your child everything you have. I always felt when I pregnant with Honeybun that I was able to completely focus on her and taking care of both of us, I never felt like I was neglecting her and what she needed. This continued through her first year and even when I became pregnant with Sugarlum I still felt I was able to give both of my children what they needed. I never worried about taking away from Honeybun or having to share my love.
That was, of course, until the Monday after Easter and in the middle of my toughest mommying test yet. We had returned to the states a few weeks after relocating to Dublin in order to see doctors and such. Easter Day was meant to be spent with my Aunt, Uncle and Cousin and started out as any other Easter would. We woke up and let Honeybun hunt for her Easter basket. She snacked on a few treats and played with the tools she received. We took tons of pictures and she was in a great mood.
I went to the kitchen to help my Aunt with breakfast when everything fell apart. I heard hubby scream and looked over to see him holding Honeybun’s limp body. She had fallen (we still don’t know why) and hit her head on the very sharp corner of an end table. I rushed over and took her from him and peered into her hanging face which had lost all its muscle tone. Seconds later she began having a seizure. The rest is a bit of a blur but I know I screamed a lot, telling everyone to call 911 and that we needed an ambulance. The seizure stopped just before the ambulance arrived and the 911 operator kept telling hubby that I needed to keep her awake but I couldn’t. When the ambulance finally arrived I ran outside, barefoot in my pajamas and they loaded us both in.
Luckily all of her vitals were good and after hubby retrieved my shoes and handbag we set off for the hospital. Honeybun appeared unconscious but the paramedics explained that often after a seizure the person falls into a deep sleep for a short time, a sort of re-set for the brain as they put it. Nothing made me happier than when we pulled in front of the ER and Honeybun woke up, pointed and said “cars”.
Despite what seemed like a full recovery to our normal girl, she was still admitted and subjected to numerous tests, “just to be sure”. This is when the realization of being a mommy of two hit me. Honeybun required an MRI and I was devastated when I realized I couldn’t go with her because I was pregnant. Luckily hubby was more than willing to sit by her (they knocked her out but she hadn’t been responding well to the anesthesia and I was worried she would wake up before the scan was done). I sat in the hallway and did my best not try cry while thinking about how this would be the first of probably many times I would not be able to be there for Honeybun because of the new baby and it broke my heart. I knew I had more than enough love to share but it had not occurred to me prior to this experience how it would affect my time and ability to be with Honeybun when she needed me.
While I still have never questioned my capacity to love every person in my life, coming closer to welcoming #3 (and the impending Easter anniversary of our ordeal which still brings tears to the eyes of everyone who was there) has brought on the same realization of lack of time. I’ve definitely not felt like I’ve been able to devote myself to this pregnancy as I did the first two. I do not get to sleep as much as I need and instead of eating what I want, I try to force myself to eat what I want my girls to have which often makes me lose my appetite all together. I also feel like I’m missing out on what my girls are doing and am not providing them with the time and attention they deserve because I am so tired and irritable nearly all the time.
I have never doubted that a third child would change our lives forever (I mean, I only have two hands…how do I keep 3 children safe?!?!) but it’s hard to even begin to grasp what day-to-day life will be like. Honeybun will be starting Kindergarten and I worry Sugarplum will get lost in the shuffle (our poor little middle child) of what we have to do for Honeybun and meeting the primal needs of the baby without spending our entire lives running around and going crazy (I’m not that “busy is better” kind of mom…more on that another day!).