It seems to be ground zero of the mommy wars: breast vs. bottle. Is formula really that much worse? Who decides when breast is not best for a mother/baby pair? What if a mommy can’t or just doesn’t want to breastfeed? And why is each side so defensive and negative to the other side?
Or are they? Is one mommy proclaiming her breastfeeding success and choice to never use formula really a dig at mommies who formula feed? I say no. As a breastfeeding mommy, I feel like I have to stand strong by my decision because I know women are judged and ridiculed every day for choosing to breastfeed outside the home. We, as a group, come off defensive and maybe a little sanctimonious at times, but that’s because we are not only trying to change the cultural view, but truthfully constantly trying to convince ourselves that breastfeeding is worth it. It’s not always an easy journey and I’m sure every breastfeeding mommy has wanted to throw in the towel at one time or another so by trying to convince others of the overwhelming benefits, we are really just trying to remind ourselves.
But it goes the other way, too. Most formula feeding mothers feel judged and ridiculed for their choice to not breastfeed. They feel that they are frowned upon as mothers for their choice and become highly defensive of their decision. But similar to breastfeeding mothers, I think a lot of the defensiveness comes from reminding themselves that they are doing what is right for their children when faced with so much negativity.
So why the constant “mommy war” over breast vs. bottle? Why does it matter how each of us individually chooses to feed our babies? Honestly, I don’t think it does matter, so long as each mommy made the choice to begin with.
And that is where I think we’re having the wrong debate. Instead of focusing on how mommies choose to feed their babies and coining it breast vs. bottle, why aren’t we looking more into how formula feeding mommies came to that decision? I’ve read tons of blog posts from other mommies defending their decision to formula feed and there is generally one common thread throughout all the posts: “I tried/wanted to breastfeed but couldn’t.”
And THAT is the debate I think we need to be having: Why aren’t more mommies able to follow through with breastfeeding? And though the rates could certainly be higher, recent statistics show most mommies want to breastfeed (or at least try):
So why the dramatic decline? If so many women start breastfeeding, why don’t they continue? What causes mommies to turn to formula? Is it because they decided they just didn’t want to breastfeed anymore? Or is it that they really did want to but gave up for one reason or another?
I always assume the later. Both from the personal experience of mommies I know and with anecdotes I read, it’s the common thread. Mommies tried to breastfeed, wanted to breastfeed and ultimately gave up. But WHY?
I think we can all agree that forcing women back into the workplace as early as 6 weeks postpartum certainly doesn’t help. And though a pumping mommy now has protected rights in the workplace, I’ve known more than one situation of a mommy being so inconvenienced by it, such as having the designated pumping room in a different building from their office, that they just gave up. Many pumping mommies also have trouble keeping up with the demands of their baby while away as their supply decreases. This is a societal issue that needs to be addressed through legislation allowing more mommies to stay home longer with their young babies without having to face financial hardship.
But the most important part of this debate of why mommies give up breastfeeding is not the going back to work part, many mommies begin to waver long before that 6 to 12 weeks they return to work. It’s when they encounter trouble: sore nipples, a low supply, engorged breasts, clogged ducts, mastitis, a poor latch, a colicky baby, the transition to feeding often and on demand.
When women encounter trouble, they’ll often turn to other mommies for support. They seek out advice from their own mothers, sisters, friends, co-workers, anyone who has breastfed or had a baby at all. And a lot of bad advice is thrown around and I would guess a lot of mommies hear the same things: “You did your best. You’re not a bad mommy if you need to supplement. Breastfeeding is hard. All that matters is that your baby is fed and loved. I struggled too. My kids were formula fed and they turned out just fine.”
And while all these things are certainly true and it is ultimately each mommies decision when to throw in the towel, I wish more mommies turned to experts before giving up. I’m not talking about you OB/GYN or baby’s pediatrician (though these people can sometimes be great resources), I wish more women knew about and had access to professional lactation consultants. I wish before giving up, more women were able to meet with a lactation consultant who could help them with their problems, ease their fears and get them back on track. I wish that I could hear and read more stories of mommies who overcame their breastfeeding struggles rather than just giving in and giving up.
I don’t think it’s a matter of breast vs. bottle at all, both have a very important place in our world. What we need to be arguing about is why mommies who intend to breastfeed and want to breastfeed give up before reaching their personal goals or the minimums set by the AAP and WHO. And maybe if new mommies were given more breastfeeding support, they wouldn’t be so defensive of their choice. Breastfeeding mommies would feel more confident of their decision and formula feeding mommies wouldn’t feel like they gave up or were a failure, they would know they did everything they could and made the right decision for their circumstances.
And just maybe breast vs. bottle wouldn’t even be a debate anymore.
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I have to say, I still feel judged by this post. Again, asking WHY women “choose” to stop breastfeeding and saying that this issue can be cured points the finger once again. Does it really matter if they chose to stop because it was just too much for them? Does it matter if their milk didn’t come in? Does it matter, that even if they did get help, their kiddo just wasn’t going to cooperate, and some “expert” telling them they have to try harder (despite doing the best they can, where the expert is once again judge and jury) still can’t make it work?
Jennifer @ The Jenny Evolution
Jennifer, thank you so much for taking the time to share your thoughts, I totally understand and respect what you are saying. Of course it does not matter why a mommy chooses to stop (or never start) breastfeeding, that is every mother’s individual choice. The issue I am trying to draw attention to is the mommies who WANT to continue breastfeeding but don’t receive or have access to the proper support to do so. I know too many mommies (and have read stories from countless more) who gave up breastfeeding or started supplementing before they were ready and feel like a failure or even a bad mommy for it simply because the help they needed and wanted wasn’t easily available to them. I will never judge a mommy who bottle or formula feeds simply because I choose not to but I will support and speak up for any mommy who wants to breastfeed and isn’t given the help she needs.
I fell into the category of “had to stop once I returned to work.” I toughed it out for two months, but my supply steadily and quickly dropped. My firm actually had beautiful, private and comfortable nursing moms rooms available to me. But all it took was for my work calendar to fill up with meetings, and finding the time was impossible. I felt pressure being back at work to “show up” and not lean on my new mom status to “take breaks.”
Now when I go out and dump formula into a bottle, I don’t look around to see if I’m being judged, so for all I know, no one cares what I’m feeding the baby!!
Jen, I admire mommies like you who commit to pumping once returning to work, it’s definitely not an easy task and unfortunately there are many stories like yours of it just not working out. And for the judgers now, who cares so long as you’re making the best choices for your family and situation?